my phone needs a breathalizer
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
