Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
