I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize