I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
