we need to drink 2009 down the drain
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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