I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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