You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
