This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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