I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
