Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
