she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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