you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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