i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
