I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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