I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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