Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
