Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
