so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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