Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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