One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
