she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
