with your own penis?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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