We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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