Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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