seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
