He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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