I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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