Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
