Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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