highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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