D3 body, D1 cock
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
my vag is so smooth its legendary
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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