Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
