Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
