I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
