Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
