Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
