So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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