don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
