My entire life is one complicated drinking game
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
