I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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