Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
