im having a threesome with these popsicles
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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