THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
