so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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