if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
