meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
