What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
