so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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