Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
