I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
