I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
