whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
