Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
