Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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