So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize