I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
