I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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