Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
