Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i now understand why vodka
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
