I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
