i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
