I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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