Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
