I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
