Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
