I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
