I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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