ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
