Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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