the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
