The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
